I worked various jobs, then I decided that it would be better for me to work in a bar. I was a great partier, and serving alcohol was my way of not failing at anything and an excellent way to support my habit.

I realized my addiction had become unmanageable when I feared the weekends. I knew it would be a weekend of heavy heavy drinking, and it was beginning to take priority over everything. If I wanted to go to see a band, I wouldn’t go if I wasn’t drinking. If I went to a party, I wouldn’t go unless I could drink.

I loved alcohol. Beer specifically. I was an anxious kid. In my head, I was bright, funny, curious, a great athlete. To the world at large, I was physically very small ( and puberty made wait, and wait, and wait…) and quiet. We moved ALOT as a kid, and it was always a struggle to fit in as something other than a puny book nerd.

I stood in my kitchen one evening and just said to myself ‘ where are you are going with this? You know what’s coming if you continue. Do you really not want to not be here?” ‘Give yourself another chance’. ‘What if it’s the alcohol actually causing you anxiety?’

As the youngest of five kids, I grew up in a home with two miserable alcoholics in a very small home, where secrets were created and never shared with anyone, including each other.

I would say “my kids come first” but as an alcoholic no they didn’t. What’s happening in my mind supersedes the reality. 

I started my relationship with substances while I was in elementary. I drank in high school like all high schoolers & College was the same; smoked weed and tripped on acid a lot. But it never interfered with anything. I did it when available. If it wasn’t, it wasn’t the end of the world. 

I started my relationship with substances while I was in elementary school. I went from alcohol to drugs by the time I was 15. I spent my whole life teetering just on the edge.

My partying days were hit and miss during my marriage. I didn’t drink everyday but when I did it was always to blackout drunk. This caused a lot of problems but being young and coming from a family who never talked about problems those bad nights just ended with fighting and being swept under the rug until there was no more room to do so.

School came and went, and the drinking kept getting worse.  At this point, I knew my drinking was not normal, but I used the term "functional alcoholic" since I was able to graduate college, I could make it to work most days and still pay most of my bills on time.

I remember going to a party at 16 and meeting Vodka, oh I thought she was wonderful, she gave me just enough confidence to talk to a girl!… a fellow ginger, and wouldn’t you know it, those years of sitting back observing, now, with the alcohol in me I had picked up the art of talking shit, I could chat about anything,

I remember very vividly when I began day-drinking by myself and knowing that I was crossing a line. That downward spiral was pretty gradual, but consistent, over a few years. Once the benzos were introduced things became unmanageable very quickly.

I knew, indefinitely, that I had a problem when I was 18. I had been drinking since early morning, one summer day after graduating high school, and totaled my mom's vehicle.

I never believed I could fall to addiction. After the birth of my third child they prescribed Xanax and Hydrocodone. After they took the prescriptions away. That is when I knew I had a problem.

I was later introduced to cocaine. The first time that I tried cocaine, I fell in love with it. For a little while all the pain that I carried within myself, seemed to go away. In my mind cocaine was the answer to all my problems. I convinced myself that, that fantastic drug was put on this earth just for me! It was the beginning of 'fast life'. Every day was a constant never-ending party.

It went from a weekend thing to a daily thing and eventually when my dealer left off some Cannabis he said: Here, this is for free, try it... And left a ziplock bag with Amphetamine. Of course i tried... And a new chapter began. I don't even remember the first time I used a needle.

I drank and drugged for over thirty years and for many of those I was very productive and held down a job so it didn’t occur to me that I could possibly be an alcoholic or addict because in my mind those people were homeless and that wasn't me. My motto was work hard, party hard. I deserved those drinks at the end of the day or week. The people I hung out with partied like I did so how could I possibly have a problem?

My experience as an addict was the same thing over and over like groundhogs day! I’d get up get high go to work get off stop at the liquor store and get drunk until I fell asleep every single day for 27 years. It was living hell to be honest. I finally realized my life was unmanageable after I wrecked my truck twice within 24 hrs, my wife kicked me out of our house and I had to sleep in my truck for 2 days in the cold weather drunk, hungry, tired and alone.

I was arrested several times and at the age of 16 I was sent to reform school. I spent 2 years there and didn't learn anything. When I was released I continued my using and my criminal behavior. At the age of 23 I was arrested for conspiracy to distribute methamphetamine,  Marijuana and cocaine. 

I was raised to be a people pleaser. My mother and I were best friends and were two peas in a codependent pod. My father was a functioning alcoholic and I was the apple of his eye. My house was the ‘fun’, ‘cool’ house and all of my friends loved to spend time with my parents.