Finding my Why
Instagram: @askew.wayne
One would think a sobriety date, that a certain time, or that definitive moment in life that i stopped drinking was the end of an era, done, finished, move on, looking forward- never back, checking myself and staying vigilant was the happy ever after….. and it was all that…. But it was also just the beginning…..
Whilst immensely proud (and deservedly so) of my decision on 4th May 2014, this was merely the catalyst to dig deeper, not immediately, but as the self respect and confidence grew, so did the curiosity and questions as to the ‘Why’ and Oh By Jingos!!… what a liberating part of the sober journey this is.
Why? Why get to the root of Why? I personally believe it is the only way to truly be set free… confronting? Yes, humbling, hard, cause of anxiety? Of course, but worth it? Absolutely!!!
As a tubby child, with my massive front teeth, ginger hair and pasty white skin, I was quiet, shy, timid, cautiously introverted, and self critical with low self esteem, these delightful traits (oh and sarcastic) guided me to my teenage years in a dysfunctional family, with parents that hardly spoke to each other, with little communication, praise, expressions of love or guidance for us as children, I place no blame at my Mum & Dads feet, it was generational parenting that they had witnessed and like the song says, “you were as kind as you could be”
For all that, I was a good observer, thinker and listener.
So that’s my basic foundation, most of us have a degree of this as a background and can relate,
And then we found the drink….
I remember going to a party at 16 and meeting Vodka, oh I thought she was wonderful, she gave me just enough confidence to talk to a girl!… a fellow ginger, equally pasty and wouldn’t you know it, those years of sitting back observing, now, with the alcohol in me I had picked up the art of talking shit, I could chat about anything, waffle along, speak with an understanding and thought I was hilarious…and it worked… I got a kiss and a number, I was a confused teenager with hormones raging but this was it, my courage was discovered in a bottle and this late bloomer was set free… the vomiting commenced soon after, again, familiar right? and even up till 2014 I could never drink Vodka again, lucky for me there were other options to gain the confidence and I embraced them all with vigour and am sure without these I may still be a virgin.
I found with it, the love, security, affection and that belonging I was desperately seeking, with the aid of this bottle I was able to access the emotional connection I lacked as a child.
This felt incredible, not letting this go.
So a few drinks for courage became comfort, a necessity, a habit and an addiction, It was required before heading out, as soon as I finished work, playing sport, before anything that was foreign or created nervousness, it surpassed any desire or thought of finding out my ‘Why’…
So this relationship saw me through to a marriage with a narcissistic and controlling soul that played my insecurities, deceived and manipulated, gave ultimatums and alienated many family members.
Life spiralled, and with my minimal communication skills. I drank more & more, not just to get by but to gain the courage to confront her in the most cowardly of fashions which not surprisingly, didn’t help any situation, (whole nuther book on this part of life) but short version, 3 kids, a protection order (while continuing to live together) used as leverage, endless ‘fluffy’ counselling, a loveless relationship where that confident drinking version of myself would seek company elsewhere, this all ended one day with yet another threat of police involvement if I didn’t leave before kids returned from school…. I did.
This time I didn’t go back and although it broke my heart… to this day, I have absolutely no doubt I would not be alive if I had stayed.
The alcohol blurred the entire marriage and this portion of my life, my self sabotaging, selfish, embarrassing behaviour never gave her the opportunity to see the very best version of myself and for all the narcissism, I take full responsibility for my part in the breakdown and for my immature decisions and actions.
I am a grown arse man!!!!!
I moved away, she changed all phone numbers, trespassed my sister for delivering kids birthday presents, convicted of breaching the protection order for texting the kids, I gutlessly deemed the hurdles too much … I took the easy way out… and retreated, I continued to drink more and more, if not for my car I would have been homeless, yet another toxic relationship fuelled by much more drinking with someone who could keep up at my pace and of course, the spiralling continued culminating in a single night in jail, just 1, but a wake up call to get out…. you’ve all heard this story right?
At my bottom, I found a refreshed belief, trust and faith for God, - who’s also a great listener, - to hand over completely and totally, to know and understand that He had a plan for me and this was all part of my story…. again, another book on this part of life….
Along came someone who saw good in me, built me up, spoke words of greatness into me and her patience, oh my… that patience on display while I continually tried destroying this as well was humbling.
Seeking help to save this opportunity, a councillor said “ if you want to drink yourself in to oblivion and kill yourself in the process, that’s your right, I can’t help you, do what you want…but if you want to stop … I can help” … simple but that was some straight talking I needed to hear out loud.
Obviously, I was unaware that this was his approach as I had a box of bourbon in the car for the drive home!
That is my addiction journey, a story we all have and though bits of the narrative may differ, we are bound by these heartfelt testimonies.
I required closeness and love, this big ol heart needed to feel, to be loved, be of service and to share.
I absolutely love reading stories of success, celebrating milestones, comments of support, testimonies, connections, respect… it inspires, it’s my jam, and if nothing else, my journey has released an empathy that was always within, but struggled to find its voice.
But the real gold for me is the ‘Why’,.
Why and how I confidently stay sober? …. sure, I cannot stand the smell of the lix anymore, I have very little patience for the way folk change around me when they drink and how unintelligent and insincere they sound when they’ve had a few, and heaven help me if I have to hear that same frickin story one more time!!! but my Why is understanding and embracing my past and the past of my family to gain that knowledge to keep me on track.
I continue to ask myself the ‘Why’ to keep learning, and unearthing insight.
While visiting a therapist for old man physical aches she did readings and kept coming back to ‘stress/trauma blockages’ from ages 6 and 30, I touched on the 30yo stuff above and have addressed this in a letter - never sent - oh gosh! Nothing blasphemous just to feel the freedom of writing and expressing, apologising and putting things to bed, I wish her a long and happy life, no bitterness in this body….
But my 6…… I have very little memory of my childhood and am convinced all stems from earliest of years.
My Dad passed away just last week after a lengthy illness.
The time he had allowed me to travel to see him and get some answers to questions never asked, topics seldom talked about, things never communicated and to connect some dots…. his father had died tragically when my Dad was 6, and being farmers in New Zealand in a time where you drank a cup of concrete to ‘harden up’ (metaphorically…. not that backward down here) his death was never discussed, he never saw his dad again, had no support and unarmed with the knowledge or skills to deal with this trauma, understandably hurt and distraught, he withdrew, closed up, raged, throw in a stint at boarding school which compounded the turmoil and it was the making of a melancholic journey.
Then he also found the drink. …
As a single moment in time, it may seem an insignificant part to play in altering one’s course and impacting a life so negatively, to me it all made sense, oh my.. the clarity!! I certainly have Grace and understanding for the historical shortcomings.
And although we did get close in the end, the words “I love you” never came from him.
I took on his state of great disturbance and in turn I passed down to my older children, 2 of which I have not been able to connect with for 13 years, they are understandably disappointed and angry, I pray for curiosity in them.
I have much more learning to do, and seek it, the more I do, the further away alcohol is in my life, it’s such a euphoric feeling to get those ‘aha’ moments and to show grace to those who may have wronged us.
So damn completely at ease and in control of where I’m at, I ooze so much gratitude for the moments and experiences I’ve been through, they offer great perspective and insight, i can relate to so much more than a charmed life could ever offer and for this, I am blessed but also so thankful to be through it.
I am well aware of how fortunate I am to have love to give, compassion to share, a heart for filling and a need for service, not a day goes by when the word gratitude does not feature.
If you’re reading this and are dominating sober life, good stuff, I am proud of you, you’re amazing and together we’ll keep forging ahead.
If you’re new to recovery or are struggling, I am proud of you, you’re amazing and together we’ll keep forging ahead,
Different stories…
Same road…
We got this…
Find your WHY….
#connect