To Thine Own Self Be True – my epiphany moment.
Wendy Behar LMSW, CASAC, Recovery Coach, Published Author
Instagram: @wendy.behar
Sober Date: Jan 1, 1998.
“Hi I’m Wendy and I’m an alcoholic.” Saying this one sentence out loud broke my denial and changed the course of my life 25 years ago, on October 24, 1998. I grew up in Forest Hills, New York and was an only child of well-intentioned, co-dependent parents.
I was raised to be a people pleaser. My mother and I were best friends and were two peas in a codependent pod. My father was a functioning alcoholic and I was the apple of his eye. My house was the ‘fun’, ‘cool’ house and all of my friends loved to spend time with my parents. Unfortunately, I began drinking and partying at an early age, and would often miss school and get into trouble.
When I was 15 , we relocated to Long Island, hoping for a geographical cure; a new neighborhood, and new friends to help me stay on track. I stopped my mid-week drinking and became a weekend warrior and acquired a new name -“Wild Wendy”. I managed to graduate summa cum laude from Hofstra University and was married at 22 to an addict (like attracts like). At 29 years old I had two children and I lived a charmed life. Everything appeared to be picture-perfect, or so it seemed.
I was a “functioning alcoholic”. I participated in all my children’s activities, helped them with homework, taught them how to ride bicycles, played board games, and was a girl scout leader. I exercised, went for manicures, massages, facials and looked great on the outside, and was always smiling even though I was angry. I acquired a new name “Smiley”.
My husband and I enjoyed a “fine” bottle of wine with dinner. However, when I drank, I never knew what would happen. I could turn into a Jekyll and Hyde personality and start arguments. I had no filter and would tell you what I really thought about you. My anger would erupt like a volcano. The following day, I felt guilt, remorse, and shame. I apologized profusely and swore that I would never drink again; only to find myself drinking again the following night.
I tried to control my drinking by switching to wine, to beer then to vodka. My moods, erratic behavior, and hangovers continued. This experiment didn’t work. My drinking progressed and I needed more alcohol to escape from life. As my parental responsibilities increased so did my drinking. Eventually, I drank vodka with Valium nightly which accelerated my demise. I hid my vodka bottles in the basement in shoe boxes (we all know how women love their shoes) and I threw the empty vodka bottles into the dumpster the next morning when my family was asleep.
On October 23rd I embarrassed myself for the last time. My children were 6 and 9; we were at a wedding and I blacked out.
On October 24th, which coincidentally is my father’s birthday, my mother took me to my first AA meeting in Manhasset, New York. (This was an anniversary meeting so family members were allowed to attend). The speaker asked if there was anyone new or just coming back and I raised my hand immediately.
The albatross around my neck was lifted after I admitted complete defeat and surrendered to my disease. I was given a recovery 24-hour coin which said “to thine own self be true”. Wow; I had my epiphany moment. Be true to me? What did that mean?? I found out the meaning of that phrase by working the steps, going to meetings, and therapy.
I celebrate my anniversary on Jan 1st since I took a Valium on Dec 31st, 1998, New Year’s Eve. (I mention this because many people in recovery have switched their addiction to pills or alcohol and don’t change their sober date.) I attended AA meetings, and Al-Anon, worked the 12 steps with my sponsor, attended therapy, took service commitments, sponsored others, and had a network of sober friends with whom I spoke daily. The people in AA became my chosen family.
The healthier I became, the sicker my husband became (which is a common phenomenon in an alcoholic home); his temper, rage, emotional abuse, and addiction progressed with my sobriety. Our home was filled with chaos and drama. At 40, we divorced and I returned to graduate school. I have been working as a licensed social worker, addiction specialist, and recovery coach for the past 20 years.
In 2020, I published my first book, a teaching memoir, on Amazon “#YourRules.YourLife.” To support women in recovery and to teach them how to put themselves and their recovery first by setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-care strategies.
I still attend 3 or 4 recovery meetings weekly, sponsor women and take service commitments. I also attend other 12-step programs like ACA and Al-Anon and continue to work the steps. I meditate, journal, exercise, go to therapy and read recovery literature. It is a lot of work but well worth it. I can’t imagine my life if I wasn’t sober.
For those that are newly sober, please remember that you are never alone. Pick up the phone and ask for help. Courage isn’t the absence of fear; it is doing it despite the fear. Drinking or drugging will only make your problems multiply. I have had many losses and hardships. My parents, friends, and first sponsor have passed away and I didn’t drink. I was present for all my feelings; even though at times I can switch addictions and shop in excess. I am constantly working to be the best person I can be.
I couldn’t have done recovery without my sober friends and AA. Try 6 meetings before you decide if the program is for you or not. There are zoom meetings 24 hours a day, just go onto the free meeting guide app or google AA meetings.
I am grateful for this opportunity to share my story with the hopes of helping others. There are so many lessons that I have learned from my recovery journey and the 12 steps that I wish I knew sooner. The steps are a design for living. I came for my drinking and I stayed for my thinking.
Currently, I speak on podcasts and to various women’s groups with the hope of empowering women to find their voice, gain authenticity, establish healthy boundaries and live their best life. I am in the process of putting together a self-care women’s recovery program as well. You can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn for daily inspirational messages and podcasts.
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Find my book “#YourRules. YourLife” on Amazon