The night I went out to celebrate my 21st birthday, I went ALL out!
Instagram: @fighting_soberwarrior
When we think about the term "alcoholic", one might picture an individual holding a brown paper bag. One might picture a loved one passed out on the living room floor for hours on end, constantly becoming sick and unable to help themselves. Another visual might be someone sitting on a bar stool at the bar, pounding on the counter, yelling for the bartender to pour them another drink.
Here is the kicker about my story... None of these scenarios was myself. I am an alcoholic, BUT my hurt, my frustration, my despair, my depression, my resentments, my jealousy; all of it was completely internal. All of it came from a mental and emotional standpoint, rather than a physical and "obvious" one.
Perhaps I should have known that something was off in regard to my alcohol consumption. The night I went out to celebrate my 21st birthday, I went ALL out! There was zero moderation that night and I suffered the consequences for the rest of that weekend. After that, alcohol became a part of every event, every gathering, every holiday, every get-together. You name the occasion, I NEEDED alcohol to be present. I needed reassurance that my buzz would be available to me; that my "liquid courage" would be at my arm’s reach.
I cannot tell anyone exactly what nudged me in the direction of sobriety on September 12th, 2020. It was in the middle of COVID; when I had left my previous job and chose to be a stay-at-home mom for both of my littles while helping my oldest with distance learning for over half the school year. Something internally (perhaps the only way to describe it is a God-thing 🙏) told me that it was time to take a break. Even if that break was for a week, or a month. Internally, my heart and my gut knew that the future would require me to get and remain sober.
On September 12, 2020, I was saved for the first time; by my sobriety. I did not have a "rock bottom". Perhaps I could call it my own "emotional/mental/spiritual bottom". Today, that's how I perceive it. I was not right with my Higher Power and did not know what the future would hold.
This year—God willing—I will have 4 years of continuous sobriety. That is ONLY by the grace of God, my sponsor, my recovery family (far and wide), my therapist, and those who continue to walk alongside me through every dark storm and every light horizon. Today, I like to remind others that I may have almost 4 years, but the past few years have NOT been without its challenges...
• Losing my mom at the age of 43 (she was an addict herself and navigated through many mental health challenges without the proper help).
• Grieving the loss of my mom sober and STILL grieving her in the healthiest way I can today; without numbing.
• Losing our previous house in a tornado that came through Alexandria.
• Uprooting our family; relocating to a cabin resort temporarily, into a temporary rental home out of town, while choosing to re-build our new house on the same foundation.
• Navigating how to help my son, who is 12 years old, with his mental health struggles. He was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, adjustment disorder and PTSD. For some time, he engaged in self-harm and experienced suicidal ideations. As a mom, hearing the thoughts I had from my child was one of the most difficult and heartbreaking situations I have been in. However, I wouldn't trade any of it for being sober and present!
• Navigating through my own depression, anxiety, adjustment disorder, and PTSD.
• Working, with my therapist, through child trauma, childhood abuse, childhood neglect, and sexual abuse.
- More change continues to present itself and I choose to remain sober; despite the hard, the heartache, the frustration, the despair, and the anxiety. For I firmly believe there is serenity, internal peace, and freedom awaiting on the other side. ✨
I believe that everyone deserves to be heard; to be seen; to be understood; to be welcomed; to be loved; to be accepted. If God can love and accept us all, then there is no reason we cannot do the same as fellow human beings. We all experience our own version of darkness, dreariness, loss, despair. What matters is if we are going to continue moving forward, despite that hard.
This thing called "alcoholism" IS my thing and I'm not ashamed to admit that.
It's not fair that it is my thing, but it is.
The trauma, abuse, and toxic generational patterns are NOT my fault, but it IS my responsibility to choose healing.
To choose love.
To choose understanding.
To choose acceptance.
To choose compassion and grace.
To choose growth.
The disease of addiction as well as toxicity ran in my family UNTIL it ran into me and that is where it stops! 🛑
I will continue to recover out loud and ultimately, un-become, in order to be the best version of myself that my inner child and my children deserve. It will be hard, but it is the RIGHT kind of hard.
Today, I choose me. I choose to live, rather than simply exist. I choose to not sugar-coat. I choose to be real and authentic.
I am a mental health/recovery advocate. I aspire to inspire before I expire. 🌟
• We ALL deserve to be heard; to be seen. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or mental health, please do not hesitate to reach out. My inbox is open, ALWAYS.
This is not an "I" thing, it is a "we" thing. Let's open the door to the hard conversations. Those conversations bring out the most beautiful hearts and souls; yours included. ❤️
You are NOT alone. I'm here with you.