My recovery was a mess, at first.

Instagram: @ataleofhealing

What’s your name and drug of choice?  Ashley Brumbaugh, oxycodone

What’s your sobriety date? April 4, 2012

I’ve been clean/sober for about 12 years. The main reason I wanted to get clean is because I finally became sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was exhausted with my merry-go-round of insanity, the overdoses. I was barely alive, although I clung to some sliver of hope and wanted happiness and life. I didn’t want to die, and it took a long time to realize that I was slowly killing myself.  

Give us a little background information. (Where are you from or grew up? What do you do for a living? What are your passions?)

I grew up in a small-ish town, a rural kind of suburb in Maryland. I lived there for most of my life, until I went down to Florida at age 18 to go to detox and rehab. I’m back in Maryland now, about to turn 31. I’m doing pretty well, actually! Therapy helps with that, a lot. I’m a public relations manager, going on nine years in this career. It’s truly a shock, if I’m being honest. I never saw myself getting to the age of 19 or 20, let alone 30+.

Outside of work, I’m passionate about writing fiction. It’s been my dream since I was 12 to become a published fantasy author. I’m a far journey away from that, but hopefully I’ll get there at some point. 

Describe your experience as an addict.

At first, it was bliss. I loved the feeling of not feeling, if that makes sense. I didn’t feel pain, I didn’t feel heartache. And back then at age 12, I craved that numbness since my dad (aka my superhero without a cape) was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12. He battled with it on and off for six years, and it was a long, traumatic experience in ways that will forever haunt me.

In the early days of my addiction, life was still manageable, aside from missing a lot of school for “staying home sick.” Later, I dropped out of high school and tried to home school myself (and failed). That’s when things really became serious. I really turned into a monster — one that stole pain medication from my parents (including my dad). 

I didn’t have any limits for what I’d do to reach my next high. I remember sneaking into my parents’ bedroom while they slept and breaking into a plastic safe in their closet with a lock-picking tool set I had gotten online. (I was shocked — and ecstatic — that I was able to work that set, by the way.) But I didn’t want to just carry a bottle or a handful of pills in my hands, in case they woke up on my way out.

So what did I do? I shoved the pills down my tall socks. And I was caught when my parents did, in fact, wake up. My heart raced, my face grew red and hot, I felt like I’d throw up and pass out at the same time. They were so mad. So upset. So confused about what to do with their addict daughter. 

It wasn’t until hospice came in to take care of my dad when I was 18, just before Christmas, where I overdosed for the first time. The psych ward of the hospital was terrifying, but the process of detoxing was even worse. I still remember some of the fucked up hallucinations I had. And during that time, stomach pain led the doctors to discover I had gall stones and I underwent surgery. 

I spent Christmas in there. And I thought that was it, that was my rock bottom.

But I wasn’t done digging, especially when my dad passed two weeks after I got home.

When did you realize your life had become unmanageable?

After my dad’s funeral, my mom told me that I had two options: I could go to a homeless shelter, or go to treatment. I was so furious. I mulled it over and finally stomped my way into her room and said “If I go to treatment, I get to decide where I go.” 

My mom, who loved/loves me more than anything, being pushed to the brink of kicking her daughter out of the house, was just the beginning of me realizing my life was unmanageable (of course, it had been that way for a while). 

What did your recovery look like?

My recovery was a mess, at first. I went to detox in Florida, then rehab. I had the option of going to a halfway house or going home. I was so confident in my ability to stay clean that I flew back home. Not even three weeks later, I got into a car accident with my mom and was prescribed pain medication, and overdosed for the second and final time.

After that, I went to a couple of halfway houses. I left the first one since a guy had become too creepy with his interactions with me. And the second halfway house was so incredibly abusive. Gaslighting galore. They took my phone away, my computer. Accused me of lying about everything. Wouldn’t let me talk to my mom. Even intercepted a letter I put in the mailbox to go to my mom, explaining what was going on, and then confronted me about it and asked why I was lying.

The last straw before I finally escaped that halfway house after six months was the two house leaders telling me that my mom would disown me if I left. According to them, my mom knew everything that had happened and was on their side.

Skipping over a complicated part, I finally got ahold of a phone and called my mom, who knew nothing at all. And so, she came to my rescue again (she’s a nurse and had saved my life with both overdoses, too).

After a third and final halfway house, I finally managed to stay clean.

How are you doing these days?

I don’t crave being numb. I enjoy living and am happy and grateful to be alive. I’m doing pretty well, thank God.

What do you do to maintain sobriety?

Although I don’t have the desire to use and return to drug abuse, therapy and healthy coping skills help because sobriety/staying clean is a daily decision. It’s an active choice I make each day. And recognizing where I’ve been vs. where I am now is a powerful motivator to keep on this path.

What are you grateful for?

More than anything, my mom. I wouldn’t be alive if it hadn’t been for her finding me when I overdosed. And, I’m grateful to be approaching my 31st birthday at the end of February. God willing, I’ll get there. I’m also grateful for my extended support system. My friends and mentors have helped me through so many dark phases in my life, and I love them.

Any advice you would give to newly sober folks?

Stay the course and remember that rock bottom is whenever you decide to stop digging. The pain, discomfort, and cravings will eventually subside if you keep doing the next right thing. Just put one foot in front of the other in the right direction, and you’ll be okay.