I am sober, but the reason I wanted to get sober is because I was tired of killing myself.
Instagram: @nikky_plans
My name is Nikky and my drug of choice is cocaine, crack, crystal meth, and opioids but in reality anything that I could use to abuse and escape my feelings.
My clean date is 11/08/2020.
I am sober but the reason I wanted to get sober is because I was tired of killing myself. I missed my children and my family. I was tired of just existing. I became scared of myself and what my disease influenced me to believe. I missed who I was without drugs I just couldn’t handle feeling all the emotions I had. It hurt to hear my friends say they were scared when they saw me calling because they thought someone else would answer saying I’m gone.
I was born in Maryland. I grew up in Florida but traveled a little bit. I moved to New York in 2018 due to active addiction and bad choices causing legal consequences. I’m a mother of now 4 beautiful children 3 girls and 1 boy. I currently work at a private EMS company and I just finished training classes to pay for my school to become a Substance abuse counselor. My passions are music and writing poetry. I’m pretty artistic.
I lived to use and used to live. I saw no other road but destruction and escape. Since I was 15 I started using whatever I could; pills, alcohol, weed. Then hallucinogens and cocaine. I got into a relationship with someone who was fresh out of prison, who use to indulge in IV drugs. When he relapsed it was off to the races for me as well. I lost my job. I wasn’t allowed to be with my children. I stole and schemed to support my habit. I lost my car because I was too messed up and left it running while in the store. I Got in trouble and fled the state. In my head I would beg myself to ask for help and go to rehab in New York. But my disease made me believe I didn’t need it. It wasn’t that bad you know? When you have $10 and you use $2 to get a hunny bun and a loosie and short your dealer, it’s not that bad right? Some days a hunny bun was all I ate. Or I would steal From grocery stores because I cashed out all my foodstamps. My running partner would disappear on me for days without word so I would sleep on trains or outside of church doors alone. You know at one point I thought I had it. I thought it was finally going to happen, I was gonna get clean. I stole this book from Barnes And Nobles, it was a series. And slowly each day that paragraph became more important than my hit. I downloaded an app to watch tv and that episode became more important than the last bag. At least until I got sick. After a while I lost hope. I gave up trying. I am an addict and I was going to die an addict. My active addiction was an experience I’ll never forget and I’ll never stop fighting to stay one day further away from my last use.
Sad to say but I realized my life was unmanageable when I was overdosing at least once a day minimum, on purpose. After 2 narcan and my ears ringing I was mad that someone saved me. I was mad God brought me back. I would curse him begging to tell me what my purpose was. When I didn’t care anymore that I had children who miss me and wonder why I left them. When i’d look in the mirror and no longer recognize who the woman was lookin’ back at me.
My recovery looked like a lot of mistakes, a lot of relapses, and a lot of tears. So many emotions, and I didn’t know how to feel them. My recovery I feel was harder than my addiction because I can easily think of the wrong thing to do, but the right thing? Sit in your feelings? Walk through the pain? Love yourself? Don’t use no matter what??? My recovery still looks like a lot of mistakes haha but I will tell.
You know my recovery looks a lot more like a foundation—with a whole lotta love: a mom who didn’t use pain killers during postpartum recovery. A mom who stays up all night with a fussy baby without an upper to help. A woman who knows who is looking back in the mirror. A woman who does not wake up dope sick. But most important, an addict who is in recovery with clean time and gaining more of the things she lost as each day goes by.
These days, I won’t lie that I’m going to an extra meeting a day, because sometimes I feel a little disease-y. Sometimes I’m tired of fighting. Currently at this second I just got done bakin’ my 5th pie and all my food prep for thanksgiving while dealing with a fussy child all day and alone at that. But also realizing how strong I really am and the things that i should be more thankful for. I may be tired and stressed and sometimes the thought of escaping crosses my mind. But I got some heavy dressers and deadbolts on my door of addiction, and I don’t plan on allowing it to open anytime soon. So these days I’m moving one day at a time because I’m worth another day alive.
Lately I have been out of touch with active recovery. I have a meeting I go to every day of the week. I talk to my sponsor everyday for almost an hour. Well I’ve been slacking this week. I reach out when I feel I need help or to get out of my head. And I feel, I just feel man. I walk through the pain. I wrote when I felt negative and once I feel better I look back like damn I did it.
I’m grateful for life. I’m grateful for everyone who didn’t give up on me. I’m grateful that my children still love me. I’m grateful for my sponsor and a couple people in my foundation. I’m grateful for feelings because without them I never would have whispered for help in my head.
The only advice I can really give, is that my door is open for anyone. As well as something that was repeated to me over and over during active addiction: when the pain is great enough you’ll be ready. The pain wasn’t enough for 3 years and I continued. One day the pain will be great enough and there are people who are willing to hold your hand through this process. You don’t need to die an addict. You don’t need to die in active addiction. It’s a choice. And there are so many other choices you can make. Sometimes throughout the day ask yourself a couple questions:
1) Do I remember what the sunrise/sunset actually feels like?
2) Do I remember what a flower or a park smells like?
3) When is the last time I really smiled genuinely?
Make up some of your own questions. I had a wall art I made. Everyday I would write 2 stickies and stick them on my wall. One negative thing about getting high, and one positive thing about not getting high. I did that everyday. It’s not easy I still struggle but I smile genuinely today. Anything you’ve lost is not out of reach…just reach!