Everyday is a day I recommit to myself. A commitment to my own wellness.

Instagram: @muse.of.charon

Sober is a place. The timeline is a linear marker—all one line of time which has seen us without intoxication. But it is more than this. It is changing our pathways of thought, our favorite chair. 

Drink & other substances have always been my go to. When things are happy & excited—I don’t trust that sense, that feel. I am never sure it’s Me feeling happy for I don’t really know what that is. A buzz seems to say “yes, I am having a good time” I can relax into a sense of shared joyfulness—and no one will ever know I was unsure. 

In times of boredom, drink gives me something to do. I pace the time beer by beer—no boredom, not a “waste” of time. 

When angry, hurt—anxious: these emotions can bury me, I can’t identify them and they engulf me. 

Drinking, using 

becomes the great cushion, the great assistant. 

I’ve never learned to manage me—emotions are so intense. To drink seems to smooth it all but just as often the rebound found me farther in the feeling, not relieved. Just more angry and now an angry drunk. I have spent an inordinate amount of time angry crying, shouting & wailing at those who have wronged me—reinforcing the pain, making it vivid—a pain which will last much longer. Pain that never seems to heal. 

See, I was never taught stability. I was raised in a violent neglectful home. Happiness is suspicious to me, not a simple peaceful shared spirit nor a Happiness (as it appears) in others, I don’t seem to feel this—I want to—and drinking /drugs let me feel like I DID...I never learned to manage anger or disappointment. I would never face it and process it—I didn’t know how. I stuffed it inward, sat on it & drank, talking out loud to myself—“damn those a**holes. I’m NEVER speaking to them again. Don’t they know who they're messing with ?” or disappointment “it should be ME !!!!”

Remorse–“he deserved that. Everybody thinks so. What a JERK !!!!!”

Anxiety–“I can’t! I just can’t. They’re expecting too much. Why won’t they give me a break?” 

“It’s NOT my fault—he said he loved me! Why won’t he love me? I’ll do anything—I’ll change! He just needs to give me time—he didn’t give me a chance.” and booze seemed to whisper “you’re right! They’re all a**holes. They don’t deserve you. Shhh shhh. It’s okay. We’ll show them—they’ll wish they’d cared but too late!” 

Facing life without my wingman was painful. Is painful. It seem ridiculous that I had never learned how to cope. How to maintain an even keel.

How to pass through disappointment with grace and gather good around me when I felt so depressed. Booze and drugs encouraged my dysfunctions. Told me I was always right. 

Everyone is passed over, broken up with, unsure & uneasy with the feelings at many points in their lives—every single human has reached out for something and come up short. 

To avoid the disappointment teaches me nothing about changing tactics. And trying again. A sober me comes to term with failing and not being a failure. 

Doing Life sober means feeling emotions and Learning to cope in a way that is not harmful to my body or my spirit. To say “you’re right” to say

“I’m sorry” 

“Yes, I blew it (everybody blows it!)”

I still don't know the answers and I am still learning to handle emotional sorrows and anger. Self-esteem is a tricky thing. I don’t feel it ; when things go wrong I always believe it's me. “Of course I ruined it. I ruin everything.”

I always turned to substances instead of admitting I was wrong. Admission.—! This is the first, most vital step in becoming a sober person, stable, willing. 

Nothing worthwhile is easy. I hate when people say that. However–making a choice here—it has to be done or I will turn towards the easier way over and over. Is sobriety worth it? That's a question everyone needs to answer for themselves. Everyone has a choice—live the way we’re living or work hard to give ourselves a better life. Every emotion I hide from remains unmanageable. Every situation I bolster remains unclear. Remains. Never to be resolved. 

Calmness remains intangible.

It’s hard—near impossible to be free without supportive people. I burned a LOT of bridges. I’ve told family

“I’ll change! It won't happen again. Please, please “when I seek to rebuild these relationships, it’s understandable that they do NOT believe me. I’ve broken thousands of promises. Why should this be any different? But it can be. Support can come from groups, therapists, canines, church groups if you’re so inclined. There are resources out there but it requires humility to engage. 

No excuses. The Plain humility to say 

“I cannot do this alone” 

When I admit this to myself, I’ve taken the first most difficult step of all . 

“Help Me” 

These are powerful words and they bring the possibility of a whole new prospects to life, if I choose to live it day-by-day-by-day. 

Everyday is a day I recommit to myself. A commitment to my own wellness regardless of how much changing hurts and feels stupid and no matter how much I WANT just one hit, just one drink... I have to ask for help. 

I have to Want it. 

It is in this desire that progress is found. It is the wanting and working that the goal is achieved. I can “want” & want and want. A sober sane life won’t materialize, won’t just drop into my lap bc I want it. The Want needs to be put into action. I Must Work.

Every day is a new day to live free.

There is no “moral of the story.”

The story, after all is not complete.  

My story will end no matter what I choose—I can choose an easier softer path or live in this place of strength which is still foreign to me.  Sobriety WILL feel strange to you.  

Sobriety will be uncomfortable,  it will require you to change your behavior and your lifestyle.  Sobriety is a noun,  a state of being which must be chosen through Action.  Every Day.  Every Night.  Sobriety is Not Easy.  It will be one of the most difficult efforts you will ever make. The rewards do not materialize all at once.  You will feel lost—confused.  There are others who are willing to take your hand & offer strength.  They will be your lifeline in this time.  A few weeks in,  you will realize how clear your vision is,  how deeply you’ve been sleeping and those orderly calm thoughts which allow you to focus and let go of fear.  If you commit to yourself,  your wellness each day you will be dedicating yourself to your recovery;  a recovery of self-esteem,  an ability to focus on your circle of wellness -  family,  friends,  your work,  your hard-earned peace.

For me,  it’s been a hard road.  Do I recommend the path? Without a doubt.  

I have been allotted one lifetime.  Drugs and alcohol stole my ability to fully live.  

Do I miss my crutches?  Yes.  Sometimes very much.  The immediate thought which follows is just how much I lost to those crutches—for leaning on a crutch inhibited my growth,  kept me weak—crippled.  

Moving through life without my “go-to”  required me to be willing to wobble,  stagger,

feel totally uncomfortable.  That doesn’t last—the time teeters along and suddenly one day you see your Life,  Your Life—clearly and find yourself nearly n speechless with gratitude for the person you've chosen to be. 

You can achieve this sober life—it is all around you,  waiting for you. A time of possibility band prosperity awaits us all—every day we’re willing to chose that life as our goal,  for

Our future self through our actions today. 

Sobriety is possible. You make it possible.  

Hundreds of thousands of once-wasted sober people are living examples—as you—the newly sober are to those still struggling. Bless your efforts These are the choices of a Lifetime. For you, I wish all the best, one day at a time.