My body’s chemistry changed. It needed alcohol in it to function.
Instagram: @addictionrecoverythrufitness
Website: Jet Boxing
Book: Knockout Alcoholism eBook
Facebook Group: Jett Boxing Recovery
My name is Dan.
DOC: Alcohol
Sober: June 8th, 2016
Growing up in the 70’s was a great time in my life. We lived in the suburbs 20 miles outside of Detroit. Every block had at least ten families with kids of my age playing outside all the time. Every kid had to be within shouting distance of home, in order to be back in time for lunch or dinner. When the streetlights came on, that was our signal to be home and in for the night. I can’t remember any single family homes back then. It was a different time. We were all safe to play outside, most of the families were really tight-knit with happily married parents. Life was simple and not filled with stress. I have fond memories from this time in my childhood.
My family would always eat dinners at the table, and Wednesdays were spent with our grandparents for dinner. Sundays were extended family parties, and at the time, it was common that every man in the family had a cooler at his side filled with beer. At this age I was high on life. Simple things like upcoming holidays, vacations and just being with friends in the sunshine gave me a sense of joy.
Alcoholism wasn't talked about, and it seemed like everyone was lax about it. My dad used to get awards at work for never missing a day from his career, but he missed plenty of time being a father. Don't get me wrong, he was loved by everyone who had ever met him, and his family loved him. But at my current age, I can now testify to my battles with alcohol. I see where it stems from, and it sneaks up on you. I feel bad now that I'm older and see that he wasn't happy with himself, and just as I did, he separated himself from the ones he loved. I call it suffering in silence. My dad never broke his cycle, but if he felt like he could have, I know he would have chosen a different way.
I grew up as a driven young man, getting my black belt at 16 and turning to competitive bodybuilding at 19. Then I bought my first fitness center at 19 and owned three clubs by age 23. If I set my mind to something, I would achieve it.
My story tends to surprise everyone because on the outside, I have always been successful and I've been on this lifelong fitness journey. I had a few sips of beer with my dad as a kid, but my first encounter with drinking wasn’t until 16 years old (Boone’s Farms was the cheap drink of choice). Only getting drunk once in a while with a friend while roller skating or at the local pool hall. Drinking at family functions in my late 30’s or having a couple of drinks at night to relax became my usual. Weekend drinking to excess was also one of my escapes from the stress of running small businesses. In my early 40’s, I started drinking to numb myself from stress but I still told myself I had it under control. That joy I used to get from life was gone. I only knew the numbness of alcohol. I tried to quit several times and found it wasn't easy.
When I used to compete in bodybuilding I could follow the most strict diet for 16 weeks consisting of 6-7 meals a day of plain fish, chicken, rice and vegetables without one cheat during it. My mind was so super focused that there was no other option than 110%. Alcohol is a different beast. When I realized I was hiding it from friends, family, and clients that I was drinking nonstop, I started going to AA meetings and went daily. I could quit with the help and support of my family, friends, and all the members, and by the grace of God, I stopped for 19 months. I thought I had this beat after a weekend that included a family wedding and a client's 50th birthday party with a couple of open bars (both occasions were filled with heavy drinkers). I began to think I could go back to social drinking, so that Sunday, I had two drinks, Monday was four drinks, and Tuesday eight, up to the point where a half gallon a day of vodka was a typical day. I’d hide fifths in the bushes outside, under the bed and in my car. I would fill up gatorade bottles halfway with booze, in order to sneak and hide it. When I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I would have to do four to six shots to pass back out. I couldn't sleep anymore, I only knew passing out. Falling down on the ground from losing my balance and thinking I will just lay here for a minute, and waking up 30 mins later thinking “how did I end up here?”. It's a miracle I did not hurt myself, or worse, someone else while driving. Lying constantly about being sober to friends and family surely wasn’t the man I was born to be.
The crazy thing is that I still owned a high-end personal training boxing studio, and I could box 12 rounds with a fifth of vodka in my system. I hid it very well. My body's chemistry changed. It needed alcohol in it to function. I was with my wife one day, walking around our lake. We ran into a couple of friends who had a breathalyzer and had me blow; I was .20 just walking. I realized later that if I dropped below that, I would have withdrawals; I would vomit, have a headache, shake, and have anxiety attacks. I couldn't drive without having a fifth in me. Otherwise, I would go 30 with my hazards on. I had previously been to rehab and was given all the drugs needed to keep me sober for a week or two while I was there, only to stop at a liquor store on the way home.
I truly hated myself. I was hurting everyone around me, my wife, my mom, and my family, friends and clients that I avoided. I didn't want them to see me in this state. At one point my wife could no longer sit around and subject herself to my addiction, watching me kill myself, so she moved out and rented a house. I remember it was a holiday weekend and we had the worst snow storm and my truck was snowed-in in the driveway. I was out of vodka and had to figure out how to get to the party store to remain in my drunken state. I walked through 18 inches of snow, 2 miles each way, just to get vodka. Honestly, I believe this is the first time I am sharing this with anyone. I was truly alone just with my dark thoughts and depression. I was taking the coward's way out of suicide. One day they would say “the poor guy drank himself to death”. Most people don't know we do that on purpose. Thank God He was listening to my cries for help.
Before I knew it, I couldn't eat anymore. All my calories were coming from alcohol, over 3000 calories a day. As a retired bodybuilder, I was 5'10 “and 250 pounds, and people thought I was bulky. I was constantly asked why my eyes were yellow and my skin was turning yellow. The secrets I was hiding were starting to become apparent to others.
I had set up my annual physical and went to the doctor. He looked at me and almost shit himself. He ran the test but immediately told me I wouldn't make it 30 days to my next appointment. My liver was shutting down, and this was my final warning.
On June 8th, 2016, I was told to stop or die. I decided to quit, and I have never looked back. They say it isn't a choice, but something inside flips when you hit rock bottom. I had that moment. This time when I quit I suffered from no withdrawals, I had a sense of clarity of my own self-love. I didn't need to be under the influence to function.
This is when it becomes sticky. I am not a doctor, and I can't tell you exactly what is happening in your body. I recommend getting a complete physical like I did before doing something as drastic as completely removing all alcohol from your life.
Dealing with withdrawals is a lot like training clients when putting them through a workout. A client says, "This hurts" , so it is my responsibility to ask questions and really understand what they are feeling. If it's pain associated with muscle fatigue, or if there is a strain on the joints or tendons, it tells us how to continue. Withdrawals are a massive pain in the ass. They are super uncomfortable and must be taken seriously. For many of us, if withdrawals consisted only of a slight headache, I'm sure we would have quit the first time we made the decision. But those are excuses and we need to focus on the goal of being the best version of ourselves.
Since that day, June 8th, my life has forever changed and I have been able to be totally honest and open about my fight with alcoholism. I have had friends and family approach me who have been hiding it, but feeling like they have been losing the battle, ask me for help. I am happy to say I've been blessed to be able to help others save their lives and I want to extend this reach and help as many people as I can with this book and program. Being in the fitness industry for over 35 years, I have dedicated my life to helping others with their battle, giving them the same tools I used to quit alcohol once and for all.
One important thing we must always remember is that addiction is very powerful and often destructive, but being able to harness that drive can be very productive. Being an addict will never go away.
I remember going through every drawer in my house looking for change to have enough to buy a bottle, this drive to continue to drink was unstoppable. When you refocus this energy toward positive habits and mindset you will accomplish anything you want in life. A new body, career, love, and a strong family bond are not outside of your reach. Take life one day at a time and be present in the moment. Love life and yourself again is the most precious gift we can give to ourselves.