“I was a true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”
Kristy O.
New Jersey, USA
Drug of Choice: Alcohol, marijuana, sleeping pills, shopping, food, anything that numbed me and took me out of myself
Sobriety Date: 7/27/1996
I got clean when I was 20.
Give us a little background information and describe your experience as an addict.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I looked for love in all the wrong places. My parents got divorced when I was 10. My mom died when I was 14. A part of me died with her. I drank to get drunk. If there wasn’t enough alcohol to get drunk I didn’t bother. I was a true Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. During the day I was a straight A student, in the choir, on Student Council. At night I was climbing out of my bedroom window, hanging out with the wrong crowd, driving drunk and high without a license.
At one point in time alcohol saved my life. It worked until it didn’t. It numbed the pain temporarily. But it didn’t solve my problems. It made them worse. My problem was myself. I had a spiritual malady. I needed to tend to my spirit, mind and body. I needed to stop filling the God-shaped hole inside of me with everything other than God – alcohol, drugs, food, sex, other people, and possessions. (And when I refer to God, I mean your conception of God – Higher Power, Spirit of the Universe, Love, Good Orderly Direction.)
When did you realize your life had become unmanageable?
Long story short I ended up at a train station with a stolen, outdated meeting book and said the first prayer that I had said in a long time, “Jesus Christ, what the F- am I supposed to do?” That was my surrender. My first step. I left the train station and walked to my first meeting. And the rest, as they say, is history.
What did your recovery look like?
I have had the privilege of growing up in the program. In the 20+ years I have been sober I have gotten married, divorced and remarried. I’ve made life-long friends, landed dream jobs and lost them. I’ve bought a house, buried loved ones and birthed babies. But most importantly I have re-birthed myself. Today I am comfortable in my own skin. I have faith and trust in the divine order of the universe. I can sit with discomfort and breathe through it. I can take inventory, admit my wrongs and take different action. I am a useful member of society. I am active in service to my family, my community, others in recovery. I can look the world in the eye.
How are you doing these days? What do you do to maintain sobriety?
The last year has been challenging for me. I lost two jobs in 8 months. The first job I lost I was at for over 10 years. Thanks to COVID-19 I have been at home with my 2 young children all day, every day, for 7 months with no end in sight. They are going to school virtually. I love my children. They are two of my biggest spiritual teachers. They push all of my buttons and activate all of my defects. During this time of great uncertainty I am going inward to heal and grow while at the same time tending to and nurturing all of their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual needs. It’s a lot. It can be exhausting, scary and overwhelming.
What are you grateful for? Any advice you would give to newly sober folks?
I’m grateful that I developed a solid foundation of recovery tools in early sobriety. In the last year I have pulled from that toolbox often, and added more tools to it. To maintain sobriety, and more importantly, sanity I attend 2-3 meetings a week. I reach out to at least 2 people a day to ask them how they are doing. I have a core group of women that I check in with daily. Everyday I pray and meditate. I exercise at least 5 times a week. In the spring I got a new sponsor. I actually call her. I take others through the steps. I work the steps on a daily basis.
Sounds like a lot of work but most has become habit. And it is far less work than the alternative – drinking, drugging, lying, stealing, hating myself, losing my family, losing my soul, diminishing my spirit.
I believe that my purpose in life is to use my creativity, past life experiences, and love of life to motivate and inspire others to freely express their own gratitude and love. My newest adventure, Happy Destiny Designs is an extension of that. So on 7/27/20, my sober anniversary, I formed a LLC, with $200 in my bank account, while in my bedroom riding out a 72-hour coronavirus isolation. My hope is that the items I design and sell, and the stories I share, have a positive affect on others.
The days can be excruciating long. The years seem to go by quickly. I am grateful to be on this journey, to be sober, to have met so many wonderful people, to be able to find the extraordinary in the seemingly ordinary. I have a new freedom, a new inner happiness. I have had moments of peace. If you are new or coming back my advice is to give yourself a chance. Ask for help. Accept it. Don’t give up before the miracle happens. And spoiler alert, they happen every day.