Instagram: @single.40s.sober.shining

Hi. I’m Morgan and I am an alcoholic. I know, cliche to start out with but it took me years to admit this and it’s a title I now not only identity with but one that saved my life once I was able to admit that “shameful” word out loud.

I started drinking when I was 16. The first time I ever got drunk I took it way too far and from there, that pattern never changed. 

I come from a long line of alcoholics. It runs on both sides of my family and alcohol has been the big ole elephant in the room my whole life. 

In my family, we didn’t talk about who was drunk or drinking, who had just gotten out of rehab or who had just been arrested for another DUI. It was a silent secret. 

My grandfathers, both doctors, drank to the point of not being able to practice anymore. My aunt passed away from alcoholism related issues.  Countless members of my family have been in and out of recovery for years. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

My Dad drank my whole life and not once did I ever know he was drunk because he knew how to hide it so well. 

Drinking at night, alone, after everyone had gone to bed, sinking further and further into his addiction. 

This is where I subconsciously learned how to drink. 

From the moment I learned alcohol could give me that liquid courage I lacked when not drinking, I was hooked. This is how I met my ex husband. Drinking as a teenager. This is how I learned how to make friends. I could out drink any boy and for some reason this was a huge attraction and what I felt like was an accomplishment.

This is how I created friendships and relationships. All around a substance that would slowly destroy my life. 

My partying days were hit and miss during my marriage. I didn’t drink everyday but when I did it was always to blackout drunk. This caused a lot of problems but being young and coming from a family who never talked about problems those bad nights just ended with fighting and being swept under the rug until there was no more room to do so. After 13 years of marriage and 18 years being together we divorced. 

Of course my drinking was to blame and I will take full accountability that it was a huge factor in pushing him away but there was so much more involved in that relationship and it’s demise that I never tapped into until I sought help. 

When going through my divorce I started therapy. It was brought to light that I had been in a highly emotionally abusive narcissistic relationship and living in survival mode for over half my life. 

I was basically surviving and doing what I knew to do best to numb out the feelings I could not share openly or safely because of the amount of abuse I had taken over the years. 

As I dove deeper and deeper into therapy I would realize my whole life was a survival tactic and I had never really known what real feelings were or how to express myself because I was never fully accepted for who I was, what I looked like or who I wanted to be. There was always something “wrong” with me and this killed any self esteem I tried to build up as a child, teen, grown woman. 

While in therapy and after my divorce I continued to drink. 

I drank a lot. 

I was now divorced. 

On my own. 

Completely blindsided and living a life I never wanted to live. 

So I did what I knew how to do. 

Drink. 

Get drunk.

Get that liquid courage flowing and seek out attention from people who were doing the same. 

It was a vicious cycle I lived in for 2 years. 

I got hurt, I hurt others, I got arrested, had an intervention, made excuses, justified my life with all the pain I was going through until I finally had enough of my own self. I hit rock bottom and knew it was time. 

By now I had slowly started making changes to my drinking life. 

No more drinking alone.

No drinking when I had the kids. I was a single mom now and needed to be clear headed when I had them. 

No more drinking and driving. That was a shameful $12,000+ incident I was NEVER going to go through again. 

These changes were great but they did propel my drinking when I did drink. 

It’s all or nothing for me so once I started drinking I wasn’t stopping until I was blackout drunk puking in the toilet, room spinning until I passed out. 

The morning after I hit rock bottom I reached out for help. I called my sister and she found the closest AA meeting and together we walked through those doors and that’s when my life changed forever. 

I had an experience in that room that can only be explained as fate. To this day I lean on that fateful meeting as my sobriety crutch. 

I didn’t stay in AA long because it’s just not for me. It’s too triggering of the past, my family, my fears and my own personal way of life. So I had to find my own way. 

I used therapy. 

Opened up to my dad who was now sober and let anyone and everyone close to me know I was an alcoholic and would no longer be drinking. 

I got support but it was minimal. 

I made it through my dad passing away sober(I will admit I almost drank during this time period but I didn’t. I had promised my Dad I would never drink again and I am not one to break promises.)

Made it through Covid. Made it through more life changing events but then I went through another break up. 

Now, once again..I wanted to throw it all away. 

I was done being so strong. Always doing what was right and having to lose everything I knew just because alcohol was no longer a part of my life. I felt nobody understood me, why was I always the one having to change and grow and what was the point..???

Thankfully I didn’t drink that night and it was at that point in life I realized I needed support and connection from others like me. 

Since I wasn’t involved in AA and knew I couldn’t go to a meeting and find the feeling I was needing, I turned to social media. 

That is where my life changed again and I was saved once more. 

The Sober Instagram community is where I found my people. The people who understood me. The people who like me for me. It’s where I was finally able to share my feelings and talk about things judgment free. It’s where I have made the deepest most valuable relationships in my life. It’s where I one by one built my support circle and made it be the strongest it could ever be. And it’s all because I am an alcoholic. 

I have so much gratitude for the life I have now created. 

I’ve had to reinvent myself over and over again but without admitting my truth about alcohol and the power it held over me I would have never been able to get to where I am now. 

4+ years sober. 

Living life on my terms. Confident. 

Strong. 

I now know exactly who I am and what I want out of life. 

It’s not easy. 

Actually it’s hard. 

It takes strength, dedication, sweat and tears to live a sober life but it is SO worth it. 

I am an alcoholic. 

I’m in dual recovery from alcohol and narcissistic abuse. 

My life is nothing like I imagined it would be but I am happy. 

I am grateful. 

I have a heart full of love that I have put back together piece by piece and I now have people who love me for me and all the messiness that I am. 

Recovery is possible. There is life outside of the cycle of abuse. Abuse we do to ourselves and abuse reigned down by others. 

If you can make one change in life and admit one truth, everything can change for the better. 

If you’re struggling, it gets better. I believe in you and wish nothing but happiness and peace going forward in your sober journey.